But one short conversation proves an instant passion killer. It stings when I touch it, so I touch it repeatedly, enjoying the bittersweet pain. I want to be the girl I caught a glimpse of during that night in Southampton. He did everything in his power to bring me happiness, and in his absence I am finding a way to make my own. They distract me from my memories, if only for a short time. Studies report that people in their 60s, 70s and beyond consider sexuality an essential element in their lives and critical to their relationships. But at the end of the day, a good number of them handle their issues based on what society expects of them, not necessary what their hearts and bodies want. Similarly, while well-intentioned suggestions to deal with sexual bereavement by seeking a new partner or using a vibrator totally miss the point. He bites my lip and the metallic taste of blood cuts across my tongue.
I'd forgotten what it's like to kiss a stranger. I am nurturing and open-minded, and wanted to feel respected. Until our silver wedding anniversary, perhaps, because in the dating game sharing is not caring. He dropped it on my chest and we laughed at the little flame that posed no real danger. I missed being a wife and having my person. Next time I'll wait longer. We mailed a item anonymous survey to women nationwide and asked them to mail their responses back to us. What I found was a culture of silence surrounding death and sexuality. They rarely admit they are in pain, unless they are confiding in relatives or drinking buddies. However, yearning for touch was considered acceptable and grieving widows were urged to get massages, cuddle grandchildren, and even go to hair salons to get shampoos. For the short-term, and while my grief prevents me from planning too far ahead, fleeting connections and temporary gratification bring me great comfort. A year after Eoghan's death, my flatmate Rachel and I descend on a courtyard of bars where the talent is always plentiful. The Guy with Four Jobs. Because it was the first, all that mattered was he did what I asked. People don't come here to find a 'plus one'; they come here to fill themselves with cut-price beer, fondle strangers in darkened corners and leave at 4am with no strings trailing at their heels. Then, because we lack self-control, we had sex anyway. For example, as with all griefs, there are things better left unsaid. As I say to Aiden that second night: Easy enough to write, but what if there is a powder keg grief that makes people uncomfortable if you try to talk about it? Similarly, while well-intentioned suggestions to deal with sexual bereavement by seeking a new partner or using a vibrator totally miss the point. They energise me, these one-night stands, like plugging myself into the mains. Predictably, he emails me later that evening: And outside the toilets. Nothing could hurt with him protecting me. But those feelings will pass. We go back to Shona's house and have sex, though my memory of this is hazy, then fall asleep with our legs and arms intertwined. Psychologist Faith Atsango says there is no defined way for women to handle getting back to intimacy after the death of their husbands.
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